This

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This is what seeps and lurks in bones and veins
It is like a dark stare within me
At times it drives me far and wide
Sometimes drags me far too long and far away
What happened for it to be this way?

Also, it seems it is here to stay
Even the priest seems to like it this way
It drives us to pray and ask for forgiveness
Yet, I ask, is it truly gone?
Has it been here all along?

Sometimes heard as a distant echo
Other times felt as a tidal wave
This drives us often into action and reaction
Or even urges us to climb the ladder of fame
Same old, same old, I hear the wise man say

On the surface we often live our lives
Anger and bitterness can become lingering fumes
Blaming the other for what batters inside
As we walk the road of violence and abuse
the lurker within becomes our fuse

The preacher says, I am also made this terrible way
Giving his words, citing the verse, before he says,
Let’s repent from our ways
An easy way out, perhaps
Yet, often it leads to dismay
Most likely never meant to be easily fixed
this deep-seated pain felt from within

I sensed it this morning
I sensed it last night
It creates this experience of restless dismay
Yet, turning the lights on, I knew
Now I greet this guest that seems here to stay
I ask him, may you hit this vase until it cracks and shatters
Becoming whole, I found, is what matters
In growing old, you’ll strike your gold, as the wise man told

Beautiful Stardust

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I have been thinking it is time to do some writing for myself and for readers that may be interested in my reflections on the contemplative life and individuation. The last word, individuation (which is Jungian) was added to the blog topic title just recently because I realized that the blog is about both the contemplative life and individuation. And for me, those words and the experience of contemplation and individuation are closely related.

Contemplative lifestyle or contemplative ideas speak of values connected to silence, reflection, spiritual practices and personal growth. Individuation is for me all about growing as an individual, alone and together with others. I believe also a contemplative seeker might enjoy time by himself practicing silence in one way or the other. Reading, journaling, creating art are also often signs and needs of a contemplative heart.

These last couple of days I have been attending a conference for counselors in school and other areas. A lot of the focus has been on how to become better in including everyone, for example young people at school, and how we can be sensitive to other people in the way we speak and relate to them. Central topics there and in our times are also for example how to speak and relate respectfully and inclusive to LGBTQ+ persons including the younger generation in schools. For me this focus also speaks of individuation, a need we all have to become integrated and whole persons.

Whether you are among the minority or majority in one way or the other everyone needs to be treated with respect and love for who they say they are and who they are. As a Christian I am often discouraged by the way some Christians treat some people belonging to minorities, in particular when it comes to sexual orientation. Some Christians and others blame society and schools for teaching children the wrong ideas in this area, and they often defend these views very fervently and call them the only biblical views there are. This saddens me. I do think what we say some times when they believe they defend the Word of God, originates instead from our own fears and need for control.

I apologize for being so straightforward and maybe not all that contemplative? I believe that the person of a contemplative heart should or could be among the least to judge, yet some people find me judging them when I write the way I do today. I am sorry for that too. I do believe in love as the necessary bearer for a contemplative life and also the necessary catalyst for becoming individuated into our own person and the persons you and I are meant to be.

When I say love being the catalyst, I do also most firmly speak of selflove. If we grow in selflove I do believe we can face our own deepest shadows and fears more fully, so that we embrace more of the totality of ourselves. We are on a journey of integration of opposites within us, so we can make peace with ourselves. Out of this peace there can grow acceptance and openness towards others in all their variation.

Sometimes I think that those people that criticize others the most, also when it comes to sexual orientation, may be the ones that hasn’t been able to face their own shadows and demons. They are some times trying to hold the strong forces within at bay, sometimes also unconciously, and they are doing it by attacking other people, their choices and their ways of life. Remember Jesus criticized not seeing the log in our own eyes when we point at the (small) speck in others. This is a simple, yet profound truth, and should be reflected deeply upon (for example, ask ourselves (not always the Bible): what is it in me that reacts so strongly or need to hold such a strong opinion about something?).

For myself I think and feel that I am on this continuous journey of integration and individuation. I try to be myself now and hope for the future to be and become that person within me that is closest to the “true me” and my heart. I realize quite often that I have many things buried within and that I still need to do some digging and shadow integration. I do need to forgive myself for my wrongdoings and “wrongsayings” along my way too, yet I also trust that my failures will turn into wholeness and hopefully a deeper and deeper love, as I work on myself and “find” me (in contemplative silence, there can also be an experience of being found by Something Other and Greater than “me”).

I am now getting older but I am yet not done in my journey into wholeness. Since this process is life long (but has great leaps along the way), I normally won’t let this depress me, but mostly intrigue me and help me to live every day the best way I can. And I don’t so much want to be the socalled “best version of me”, I want to become and be the me I am meant to become and be!

Now I pray for you, as you have read this, that you will find truth within yourself and in God, truth to see who you are and who you are on your way to become and be. I pray that you will grow into more of the healthy selflove and self acceptance you need to shine and shine even brighter as you grow into the person and star you truly are. If you go back and read other texts and poems here, you will see I also speak of darkness and dark times. These are parts of the necessary suffering in life, sorry to say, to find your way in integration and individuation. To grow into wholeness is, in my mind, true holiness. And for Christians this can turn out to be the most Christian way to be!

Do also remember, friend, we are all beautiful stardust after all – peace and love to you!

PS! Scroll down to find other categories of texts and poems that may interest you.

Chased by her

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She is running after me
with sword in hand
She is aiming for my back
Turning around I see her sword
Now pointing towards my stomach
I try to escape
I don’t want to be struck by her
and her sword
I keep running as fast as I can
I am a man, I am thinking
I must be able to win
I must escape her
Yet she quickens her pace
Now this is truly a race
What if I just give up and surrender
What if I let her strike me
What if blood erupts from the wound
Deep red, deep feeling

Atumn Journey

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It is autumn
It is autumn indeed
Summer with its warmth and joyful tone
Over for this time
The forest dresses herself in new colors
Leaves and pine needles change into orange and red
Everything testifies of life in another faze
It is orange and red, but it is not dead
The autumn first feels like a change of clothes
The outer changes color and contour
Later it leads you deeper
The fall is a time for
Fading
Forethought
Flux
Formation
Again, everything is on a journey

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Høstvandring

Det er høst
Det er sannelig høst
Sommeren med sin varme og glade klang
Over for denne gang
Skogen klær seg i nye farger
Løv og barnåler skifter også over til oransje og rødt
Alt vitner om liv i en annen fase
Det er oransje og rødt, men ikke dødt
Høsten er først som et klesskifte
Det ytre skifte farge og kontur
Senere leder høsten deg dypere
Høsten blir en tid for
Foreldelse
Forberedelse
Forandring
Forvandling
Alt er igjen på vandring

You don’t owe me

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When I have lost myself
in helping others
I may start thinking you owe me your thanks and your love

But the truth is this:
You don’t owe me anything
I just need to ground myself
In the everlasting Love of the Divine

I must sit down
Take a breath
Start over out of silence
From then on I can fly…just a little slower

 

Union Still

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Throughout my life
of loneliness and pain
I have often longed and prayed for
a union with God
to gain

This longing for union is
still very deep and strong
Sometimes overshadowed by
the action of life
yet never gone

Union still is my heart’s desire
This I strive for
in my great search
Yet maybe now I have found
a joy in life
so I feel I am living less on the edge
of a knife

Forever I am still longing
Both in silence and in sound
for this Greatest Love to abound
All the way until complete union
where all is found

Burning Face

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I have a burning face now
It is almost painful
Also distressing
What is this burning
in my face

My face is burning
I sense it comes from
a yearning
Is this yearning mine or
is it Divine

I remember the story
of the Burning Bush
Moses stood on Holy Ground
He had to take off his shoes to
thread gently on the soil

What is this burning
I have a Burning Bush
of life in my inner being
Is it a Holy Fire
I do need to admire

It is so easy to mix
this Fire with desire
Too quickly I try to satisfy
this hunger within
Yet for something deeper I must wait

The waiting is agonizing
It almost stretches my bones
I think something is ready
to be bye-gones
A New River

May it come
May it flow
May it be free

Open My Valves

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Going through some things in the storage
from long gone days
Emotions were stirring, tears filled my eyes
That was when I realized

I am just like this beautiful horn I used to play
It was called euphonium
And had a sound of wonder
I must say

After some time of playing
the horn filled up with spit
I had to open all the valves and blow out
the waste stuck in it

Then the horn was ready to be played
Again, beautiful music could be made
The sound was now so strong and so clear
Some people even thought it was rare

Going through some old things that day
Made me realize I am also this way
I need to open my valves to feel 
and clear out my grief

When I have remembered the joy and
all tears have been cried
I have both embraced my past and
opened myself fully for the ever deeper
love in life