Letter of Pain

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I am writing down this letter of pain
Asking myself, -what is there to gain
My God, my God I am feeling alone and lost
The cup is large and it is of great cost

Some people say, -Jesus took your pain
On the cross the sin of the world was lain
Yet, to me this is so very real
This terrible agony I now feel

Was it not God that gave me this gift to feel
Maybe so that I through that could heal
Is Christ on the cross there with me
Sharing the experience of this so terribly

As I am writing this letter of pain
And in the dark it is too dark to see
Another thought crosses my mind:
The cross I bear is part of Thine

On The Mountain / På fjellet

Sommerfugl Stokke Retreat 2024

On the Mountain

Once,
you called me and set me
on the top of the mountain
There I saw
the Indescribable Light
In this Light my soul would linger
But it was not the time

-Now, dear child, you must learn to walk
Step down from the mountain you must
Soon you will neither feel or see
There will be darkness
On the road to the Secret Place

På fjellet

En gang,
du kalte meg opp
på den høyeste tinde
Der fikk jeg se det
Ubeskrivelige lys
I det Lyset ville min sjel forbli
Men det var ikke dens tid

-Nå, kjære barn, må du lære å gå
Stige ned fra fjellet du må
Intet vil du snart føle eller se
Det vil bli mørkt
På veien til det Hemmelige sted

Ego and the Vastness of Self (part three)

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Just as I had finished writing the second part I realised I couldn’t stop there. I am also sorry if some of you almost experienced me getting into to preaching, and maybe also preaching a “Christian” and exclusive message. That is not what I meant to do. At least not giving an exclusive message only for religious people or even Christians. What I am pointing to is a universal message that is possible to experience for a believer and an atheist alike. When I say atheist, I do believe so, but the person might not stay atheist for the rest of his/her life, if the Vastness are truly and deeply experienced. At least that is my humble opinion.

I do not think my last blog post was on to the message of transformation. It was about the limited usefulness of the ego, and where to place the ego in the hiearchy of self knowledge and understanding. This last part of the topic “Ego and the Vastness of Self” will therefore say more about the transformation of the ego or transformation of the individual. Because a transformation is unavoidable if people get exposed to the Vastness, at least if you spend time with it in silence. Time in silence, can be difficult and painful, but it will bear fruits eventually. That is my experience.

I ended the last blog post by mentioning the dark night of the soul and it is almost unfair to end my writing there. That is since the Dark night of the soul truly is a dark and very seriously painful experience. It should and must not be taken lightly. Some people experiencing this painful process, even come to believe that they will not return to life. Partly that is also true. Just not true in the sense your life will end or you ego will die. It is true, because when you “wake up” from the “sleep” of the dark night, you have changed and you have transformed in one way or the other. You have dug deeper, and in and through the darkness you will eventually realize you have also struck gold.

So what is this gold to be found beyond our ego? It is not so much an ego death – but it is a change in the way you relate to yourself, your ego and others, and their egos. The gold is to see and get to know something other, deeper than your ego. This is what Paul in the NT also found after three days of total blindness. The Light had hit him so brightly and strongly so he went blind, he went into at least a night of his physical eyeseeing. When he became seeing again, his life was transformed.

Some people speak of the death of ego. I do not believe in that. It is possible, but it will also kill “you” and your experience of this world. We cannot become only spiritual beings looking into the Vastness. We need the ego to function in our daily lives. That being said, we also need to put the ego in its proper space. We need to visit the Vastness. Often.

Again that is why I am blogging. It is because I have tasted, I have seen this Vastness, at least a tiny fragment of it. And I am eager to experience more of this Being, in order to find inspiration for living my life here on Earth. I have always been a truthseeker, and if you have read the whole of this blog series, I believe you are one too. I do believe this is what is common among humans, it is that we are not filled and satisfied before we touch the realm of Spirit. And then also the Spirit is experienced in glimpses mostly.

This is a difficult topic to explain and elaborate upon. Even my try here is a feeble one, and maybe I shouldn’t have tried. The Muslims speak of the hundred names for God. That is to say. the Mystery can be explained in so many ways, in so many colors and words. Yet, it would not be a Mystery if we could fully explain it. So I cannot pretend I know it all. The truth is, that I really do not know. But what I think I know, what I feel I know, what I my intuition tells me I know, I want to share with you. It is up to you to investigate further, go on the deeper and further journey, or if will not you can toss these ideas away.

So maybe, this is it, the rest of the blog here speaks for itself when it comes to pointers to this Vastness and how to reach it, or rather how to be reached by it. Now the rest is up to you and how you are guided along your path. I do believe though that a wise person grow by listening to wisdom from others. Among my words, I do humbly believe, there also is, some nutritious wisdom for life.

Blessings on your further journey, my friend 🙏

På benken / On The Bench

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Eg sat der på benken
I det store rommet
Koret stod der framme
Tre av dei spelte på gitar

Eg berre sat på benken
Det vaks noko inni meg
Koret der framme
Blei som et stort blikk

Eg sat på benken aleine
Men no så dei det
Dei så det dei ikkje skulle sjå
Det var ei frykteleg kjensle

Eg prøvde å gjeme meg der på benken
Men dei så meg
Nå stod predikanten framme der òg
Han ropa – eg vil spy deg ut av min munn

Eg sat fast på benken no
Eg kunne ikkje røre meg
Men inni meg var det ein frykteleg kjensle
Koret, predikanten – dei visste det

Eg pintest på benken nå
Predikanten ropa – kom fram og bøy kne for Jesus
Hjartet mitt banka
Dei så det kor mykje det banka

Eg hoppa av benken
Så gjekk eg heilt fremst forna koret
Ei tung hand på hovudet mitt
Før predikanten fløy vidare

Eg stod der no aleine
Nå kunne alle i heile salen sjå
Eg snudde mot døra
No ville eg ut

Der ute fantes ingen benk
Hjartet banka fortsett hardt
Samstundes kunne eg puste friare
Med eit var eg ein av dei andre

Lydfil hvis du vil lytte til diktet:

Here is an English translation of the poem. This time translated by the help of ChatGPT:

I sat on the bench
In the big room
The choir stood there in front
Three of them played the guitar

I just sat on the bench
Something grew inside me
The choir there in front
Became like a big gaze

I sat on the bench alone
But now they saw it
They saw what they shouldn’t see
It was a terrible feeling

I tried to hide on the bench
But they saw me
Now the preacher stood there too
He shouted – I will spit you out of my mouth

I was stuck on the bench now
I couldn’t move
But inside me was a terrible feeling
The choir, the preacher – they knew it

I was tormented on the bench now
The preacher shouted – come forward and kneel before Jesus
My heart pounded
They saw how much it pounded

I jumped off the bench
Then I went all the way to the front of the choir
A heavy hand on my head
Before the preacher flew away

I stood there alone now
Now everyone in the whole room could see
I turned towards the door
I wanted out

Outside there was no bench
My heart still pounded hard
At the same time, I could breathe easier
Suddenly I felt like one of the others

Here you can listen to a reading of the poem:

Eg kviskrar / I whisper

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Høyr

Høyr venen min

Eg kviskrar noko

Til deg

Høyrer du

Eg har kviskra det sia du stod opp

Høyr på meg no

Set deg ned

Eg ber deg

Du må høyre meg

No

Må du

Berre høyr

Eg kviskrar til deg

Eg seier det no

Høyrer du

EG ELSKAR DEG

Her kan du høre diktet opplest:

An English translation, helped by chatGPT:

Listen

Listen my friend

I whisper something

To you

Do you hear

I have whispered it since you rose

Listen to me now

Sit down

I beg you

You must hear me

Now

You must

Just listen

I whisper to you

I say it now

Do you hear

I LOVE YOU

Hear you can listen to a reading of the poem:

I det stille rom / In The Silent Room

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Du beveger deg mot dette
Du kan bare ane det
Men se det – gjør du ikke
Likevel beveger du deg dit

Du har en lang vandring bak deg
Det er som om du har nådd et punkt
Føttene vil ikke gå lengre
Bevegelsen stopper opp

Så med ett blir det stille
Det har først stilnet rundt deg nå
Så finner du Stillheten i ditt indre
Her har alt det andre stanset opp

Denne Stillheten har vært her lenge
Har båret og brakt deg der du er nå
Og den kaller på deg
Det er på tide å forbli en stund i det stille rom

Translation Norwegian – English with the help of ChatGPT:

You move towards this
You can only sense it
But see it – you do not
Yet you come closer

You have a long journey behind you
It is as if you have reached a point
The feet will not carry you any longer
The movement stops

Then suddenly it becomes quiet
It has first quieted around you now
Then you find the Silence within you
Here everything else has stopped

This Silence has been here for a long time
Has carried and brought you to where you are now
And it calls to you
It is time to remain for a while in the silent room