Dreams and urges these days have been vivid and strong
Yet, it is like this erupting life has clothes with no colors
I need to learn a new language
For now I am speechless
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As I see more of the all that I am
It is brought to its knees
For this reality I see, this wildness in me
Must be embraced when seen
Then, it must also bend
On its knees in my heart
it is held and transformed
That is the only way
Yet, I am free
I have been thinking it is time to do some writing for myself and for readers that may be interested in my reflections on the contemplative life and individuation. The last word, individuation (which is Jungian) was added to the blog topic title just recently because I realized that the blog is about both the contemplative life and individuation. And for me, those words and the experience of contemplation and individuation are closely related.
Contemplative lifestyle or contemplative ideas speak of values connected to silence, reflection, spiritual practices and personal growth. Individuation is for me all about growing as an individual, alone and together with others. I believe also a contemplative seeker might enjoy time by himself practicing silence in one way or the other. Reading, journaling, creating art are also often signs and needs of a contemplative heart.
These last couple of days I have been attending a conference for counselors in school and other areas. A lot of the focus has been on how to become better in including everyone, for example young people at school, and how we can be sensitive to other people in the way we speak and relate to them. Central topics there and in our times are also for example how to speak and relate respectfully and inclusive to LGBTQ+ persons including the younger generation in schools. For me this focus also speaks of individuation, a need we all have to become integrated and whole persons.
Whether you are among the minority or majority in one way or the other everyone needs to be treated with respect and love for who they say they are and who they are. As a Christian I am often discouraged by the way some Christians treat some people belonging to minorities, in particular when it comes to sexual orientation. Some Christians and others blame society and schools for teaching children the wrong ideas in this area, and they often defend these views very fervently and call them the only biblical views there are. This saddens me. I do think what we say some times when they believe they defend the Word of God, originates instead from our own fears and need for control.
I apologize for being so straightforward and maybe not all that contemplative? I believe that the person of a contemplative heart should or could be among the least to judge, yet some people find me judging them when I write the way I do today. I am sorry for that too. I do believe in love as the necessary bearer for a contemplative life and also the necessary catalyst for becoming individuated into our own person and the persons you and I are meant to be.
When I say love being the catalyst, I do also most firmly speak of selflove. If we grow in selflove I do believe we can face our own deepest shadows and fears more fully, so that we embrace more of the totality of ourselves. We are on a journey of integration of opposites within us, so we can make peace with ourselves. Out of this peace there can grow acceptance and openness towards others in all their variation.
Sometimes I think that those people that criticize others the most, also when it comes to sexual orientation, may be the ones that hasn’t been able to face their own shadows and demons. They are some times trying to hold the strong forces within at bay, sometimes also unconciously, and they are doing it by attacking other people, their choices and their ways of life. Remember Jesus criticized not seeing the log in our own eyes when we point at the (small) speck in others. This is a simple, yet profound truth, and should be reflected deeply upon (for example, ask ourselves (not always the Bible): what is it in me that reacts so strongly or need to hold such a strong opinion about something?).
For myself I think and feel that I am on this continuous journey of integration and individuation. I try to be myself now and hope for the future to be and become that person within me that is closest to the “true me” and my heart. I realize quite often that I have many things buried within and that I still need to do some digging and shadow integration. I do need to forgive myself for my wrongdoings and “wrongsayings” along my way too, yet I also trust that my failures will turn into wholeness and hopefully a deeper and deeper love, as I work on myself and “find” me (in contemplative silence, there can also be an experience of being found by Something Other and Greater than “me”).
I am now getting older but I am yet not done in my journey into wholeness. Since this process is life long (but has great leaps along the way), I normally won’t let this depress me, but mostly intrigue me and help me to live every day the best way I can. And I don’t so much want to be the socalled “best version of me”, I want to become and be the me I am meant to become and be!
Now I pray for you, as you have read this, that you will find truth within yourself and in God, truth to see who you are and who you are on your way to become and be. I pray that you will grow into more of the healthy selflove and self acceptance you need to shine and shine even brighter as you grow into the person and star you truly are. If you go back and read other texts and poems here, you will see I also speak of darkness and dark times. These are parts of the necessary suffering in life, sorry to say, to find your way in integration and individuation. To grow into wholeness is, in my mind, true holiness. And for Christians this can turn out to be the most Christian way to be!
Do also remember, friend, we are all beautiful stardust after all – peace and love to you!
PS! Scroll down to find other categories of texts and poems that may interest you.
When I have lost myself
in helping others
I may start thinking you owe me your thanks and your love
But the truth is this:
You don’t owe me anything
I just need to ground myself
In the everlasting Love of the Divine
I must sit down
Take a breath
Start over out of silence
From then on I can fly…just a little slower
When life grows up in you
you eventually realize:
You don’t have to sing higher
Just be a beautiful voice
in the choir
On the Mountain
Once,
you called me and set me
on the top of the mountain
There I saw
the Indescribable Light
In this Light my soul would linger
But it was not the time
-Now, dear child, you must learn to walk
Step down from the mountain you must
Soon you will neither feel or see
There will be darkness
On the road to the Secret Place
På fjellet
En gang,
du kalte meg opp
på den høyeste tinde
Der fikk jeg se det
Ubeskrivelige lys
I det Lyset ville min sjel forbli
Men det var ikke dens tid
-Nå, kjære barn, må du lære å gå
Stige ned fra fjellet du må
Intet vil du snart føle eller se
Det vil bli mørkt
På veien til det Hemmelige sted
This is my second post and my first new writing since I returned from my four-day semi-silent retreat. I guess being in silence made me rest my posting for a while. Also getting back to work straight after the retreat has left me with too little time for digestion and reflection. But, now here I am again, writing a short blog post for you.
As summer is sadly closing and days of full rest are going to be fewer, I may also start posting less than I have done these last two months. I am happy to see though, that this summer has brought some more attention to my posts and a few new people are following my blog. Yet, I ask myself, why did I start blogging?
I guess there are many reasons behind my blogging. One is that this is really an outlet for my continuous spiritual search and findings. I have a deep desire still for truth and my inner yearning for a deep spiritual life is as strong as ever. And I have had a thought that sharing something from my life could become helpful to others. So, sharing for serving, is a reason for my blogging.
Secondly, a reason for my blogging is that this is me finding my voice in this world. Having left my church over the issue of my positive and inclusive attitude for gay people, and having no permanent church where I can share my testimony, this blog has become that testimony even more than before. Earlier I was hesitant about blogging because “everyone” else were doing it, so how would my writing make any difference? Yet, I have decided, that particularly in my home country Norway, my blogging can make a small difference.
Finally, during and after my retreat I have also recognized and realized even more than before a trait I am less proud of, which is my need to be seen, a need for attention. Being an enneagram 4 this means I am a person that would like to be seen as one-of-a-kind and some kind of an expert. My expertise here then must be my knowledge of the contemplative life.
So, why I am I blogging, and should I continue or should I just quit? If the third reason for my blogging was the only one, and really was overshadowing everything else, I really should stop right now. I really then should seriously consider what I am doing here, and maybe find something better to do. A blog like this, should never be or become a show-off, because that is only selfish, a true ego-worship. And even though I am human and far from perfect, this blog must be for something else than my own gratification.
This blog is mainly about the contemplative life, as in the parts that I have come to know it. Along with that comes other stories about ideas, feelings, and wisdom for life. That is also what I think the blog is to be about in the future as well. That is, if I continue blogging.
I am truly dreaming of and hoping for a future, where the contemplative path, across religious differences, can become a path of peace, reconciliation, forgiveness and love. The world we are living in today are filled with war, grief and suffering. I pray for Ukraine and Russia, for Israel and Palestine and for Sudan and Iran, among many other. If my blog can play a tiny, tiny part in future of mystical development for a better and more peaceful world and for better lives with less torture of evil, I will keep this blog alive. I realize how trivial that sounds, compared to the suffering I just referred too, so please forgive me.
The retreat has reminded me of an important lesson. That is to really check your motives, for why you are doing what you are doing. I think that goes for everything. In our service to people, are we truly serving in love, or are we really serving ourselves? I must continuously keep a check on my motives, and without getting trapped in self-condemnation, which is another wrong direction, I hope I can grow into pure motives and true love for the Divine and other people.
Thank you again for reading. I would truly be blessed if you would share some of your thoughts on my reflections. How does the topic of motives relate to your life? Where are you, and where are you going in the life that you continuously grow into? Bless you, and may Divine Light shine within you and upon you in the coming days.
«The highest, most decisive experience is to be alone with one’s own self. You must be alone to find out what supports you, when you find that you can not support yourself. Only this can give you an indestructible foundation.”
Carl Gustav Jung, Collected Works 12
I have opened this text by sharing, in my opinion, an excellent quote from Carl Jung. This is a quote that really speaks to me now, and a quote which can lead me further on my contemplative path. The reason why it touches me is, I think, that I realize I do a lot of things to get attention. I do a lot for others to see me, to love me and accept me. But what I do know deep within is, that it is mostly in vain.
What is to support me is not in the other more than it is within me. I need to seek and find this indestructible foundation, which is what can truly support me. I think it was the need for this foundation, a longing for it, that made me embark on this contemplative journey in the first place.
One interest I have is collecting icons, holy images of saints and holy persons and from stories in the Bible. I have been on several trips to Crete, Greece, where I have been taken by the beauty of the icons and touched by the direct experience of them, an experience that quenches some of the thirst within me, my deepest soul. In my soul is the place where I am truly seen, truly embraced and loved for who I am. I do also experience a sense of peace, and love, when I look at the icons, especially the eyes of the holy persons displayed.
Even when others do not share this interest of mine in icons, I do still believe, the need to be seen, to be known, is one thing all humans have in common. And we do search for this during our whole lives, more or less. Those who search this less, I believe, may be those who have grown into to more wisdom, and now they just know.
I am also reminded of one thing Carl Jung said, when he was asked whether he believed in God or not. He said something like, “I don’t believe, I don’t need to believe, because I know”. This is the knowing I also am talking about, when I name those wiser and even more in rest in the love for themselves and others. They just know. They have an inner knowledge and experience, that is beyond what our ego can provide, something which is deeper and closer to us than ourselves. This is something of the Divine within us, and sensing this can help us grow into this knowing. This again is what keeps me on the contemplative path in life.
Very soon I am going away on a silent retreat for four days. This will be my first experience of such a retreat. It is about time, I think, when I am in my fifthieth year now, to spend a few days in silence and silent reflection and prayer. It is one way of telling myself too, that I am serious about choosing this contemplative path. You may have seen that I have been trying to write about this retreat in my blog posts lately especially in my poems.
I have come to the understanding through my experiences with centering prayer and my reading, of Keating amongst others, that I am not to expect any special experiences, like excuberant joy and ecstasy in this time of silent practice. I am also not to seek these things first. but I am only to seek the silence itself and be open. So, that is what I am planning to do, to spend a lot of time in silence, and maybe also do some light reading and journalling. Part from this there is a retreat-leader that will be sharing something about silence as a contemplative path each day. Having few expectations is helpful I think, so I stay grounded and am more focused on the silence and the openness, instead of wasting energy searching for or expecting something extraordinary.
I have a little worry, that it possibly will be challenging. That is not so much the silence in itself, but what can come up in me, of difficult and suppressed feelings, which can become heavy to bear. I started this text by referring to Carl Jung’s words about the indestructible foundation. A hope I have is that if the silence helps me process some of my painful feelings and grief, this might lead me closer to this foundation. I do believe that this foundation, is something of a more divine quality, and it is beyond my ego, my thoughts and feelings. Yet, I have become certain that feelings need to be felt, in order to be processed and transformed before a letting go of them.
Maybe this retreat can, at least as an effect in the days after, help me realize that my deep inner Eye, is what truly can see me and uphold me, it can accept me and quench my desire for outer support? Maybe the retreat can even cure me from the need to collect icons, to be seen by outer holy eyes, because what they carry is only a lesser duplication and reflection of the true Mirror that I carry within, in my soul.
Thank you for patience in reading, and peace and love to you! Feel free to share your own thoughts and reflections in the comments.
Det er no
Det er no eg skal gå eit stykke aleine
Eg skal ikkje seia noko
For det er no eg skal vere stille
Det er no det gjeld
Det er no det skjer
Det eg ikkje heilt kan vite kva er
____________________________________________________________________________________________
In English:
It is now
It is now I must walk a mile alone
I am not going to be talking
Because it is now I am to be silent
This is it
It happens now
That which I do not really know
Kan eg våge det
Å møte meg sjølv
Der
I stillheita
Kva vil eg finne
____________________________________________________________________________________________
In English:
Can I dare
To meet myself
There
In the Silence
What will I find
A Contemplative Life 