Ego and the Vastness of Self (part three)

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Just as I had finished writing the second part I realised I couldn’t stop there. I am also sorry if some of you almost experienced me getting into to preaching, and maybe also preaching a “Christian” and exclusive message. That is not what I meant to do. At least not giving an exclusive message only for religious people or even Christians. What I am pointing to is a universal message that is possible to experience for a believer and an atheist alike. When I say atheist, I do believe so, but the person might not stay atheist for the rest of his/her life, if the Vastness are truly and deeply experienced. At least that is my humble opinion.

I do not think my last blog post was on to the message of transformation. It was about the limited usefulness of the ego, and where to place the ego in the hiearchy of self knowledge and understanding. This last part of the topic “Ego and the Vastness of Self” will therefore say more about the transformation of the ego or transformation of the individual. Because a transformation is unavoidable if people get exposed to the Vastness, at least if you spend time with it in silence. Time in silence, can be difficult and painful, but it will bear fruits eventually. That is my experience.

I ended the last blog post by mentioning the dark night of the soul and it is almost unfair to end my writing there. That is since the Dark night of the soul truly is a dark and very seriously painful experience. It should and must not be taken lightly. Some people experiencing this painful process, even come to believe that they will not return to life. Partly that is also true. Just not true in the sense your life will end or you ego will die. It is true, because when you “wake up” from the “sleep” of the dark night, you have changed and you have transformed in one way or the other. You have dug deeper, and in and through the darkness you will eventually realize you have also struck gold.

So what is this gold to be found beyond our ego? It is not so much an ego death – but it is a change in the way you relate to yourself, your ego and others, and their egos. The gold is to see and get to know something other, deeper than your ego. This is what Paul in the NT also found after three days of total blindness. The Light had hit him so brightly and strongly so he went blind, he went into at least a night of his physical eyeseeing. When he became seeing again, his life was transformed.

Some people speak of the death of ego. I do not believe in that. It is possible, but it will also kill “you” and your experience of this world. We cannot become only spiritual beings looking into the Vastness. We need the ego to function in our daily lives. That being said, we also need to put the ego in its proper space. We need to visit the Vastness. Often.

Again that is why I am blogging. It is because I have tasted, I have seen this Vastness, at least a tiny fragment of it. And I am eager to experience more of this Being, in order to find inspiration for living my life here on Earth. I have always been a truthseeker, and if you have read the whole of this blog series, I believe you are one too. I do believe this is what is common among humans, it is that we are not filled and satisfied before we touch the realm of Spirit. And then also the Spirit is experienced in glimpses mostly.

This is a difficult topic to explain and elaborate upon. Even my try here is a feeble one, and maybe I shouldn’t have tried. The Muslims speak of the hundred names for God. That is to say. the Mystery can be explained in so many ways, in so many colors and words. Yet, it would not be a Mystery if we could fully explain it. So I cannot pretend I know it all. The truth is, that I really do not know. But what I think I know, what I feel I know, what I my intuition tells me I know, I want to share with you. It is up to you to investigate further, go on the deeper and further journey, or if will not you can toss these ideas away.

So maybe, this is it, the rest of the blog here speaks for itself when it comes to pointers to this Vastness and how to reach it, or rather how to be reached by it. Now the rest is up to you and how you are guided along your path. I do believe though that a wise person grow by listening to wisdom from others. Among my words, I do humbly believe, there also is, some nutritious wisdom for life.

Blessings on your further journey, my friend 🙏

Ego and The Vastness of Self (part two)

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As much as we need our ego, and it’s helpful till a certain extent that our ego is transformed and made more flexible, just as much we need to know that we are so much more than our ego. We cannot live and function in this world without our ego (so I am not proclaiming ego-death), but at the same time we cannot go on living meaningful lives in the second part of our lives, without some experience of this other than ego.

This otherness I speak of is the most beautiful thing in the wholeness of life. It is about a vastness of a self or Self, that goes far beyond our imagination. Our egos are a beautiful creation too, at least sometimes, but this vastness I am pointing to, is of a different quality all together. And it is there for you to see and experience if you so desire and you realise that is what you truly want and need.

When the message “you are enough” doesn’t speak to you heart anymore, it may mean you are ready for a step in a new direction. You may be ready for a deeper experience and knowing of the Great Mystery.

Our egos are limited and will die, when our lives are over. At least most of it will disappear I think, since it is mostly a structure created by our minds. But the vastness of Self, Being itself, is eternal. The Holy Book tells us that humans have eternity in their hearts, so it is into our hearts and to the depth we need to go if we are to know a fragment more of this Vastness.

It is this Vastness I am trying to point to in writing these blog posts and most of my poems. In realizing this bigger truth about my life and life in general, I have come into the experience of more freedom. I do still struggle with life, and very often it is my smaller ego that creates the trouble. It is not what other people say or do. It is how my ego percieves what they say and do. It is how my past history and emotions, which is my bigger ego and also hidden ego react to the experience I have.

By taking in, preferable in silence, and silent reflection, the other part of the picture. By realizing there is a Vastness, an Otherness, something Infinite holding us all, I am slowly able to train my ego into stepping back. I don’t need to make such a big scene out of everything. I am not governed only by the ego’s need to protect itself. I can be led more by Spirit and intuition.

The Spiritfilled life is the other way, the new way, the better way, and eternal way. I do want to be led by Spirit. I do want to know and experience Oneness with all. The Bible says, everything and everyone shall be one in Christ. That is the good news! That is what fills my soul, when my ego has failed me. And beware, the ego will fail us, and in particular we can grow tired of our own ego in midlife. This can even bring us into what John of the Cross called the Dark Night of the Soul.

Yet, I do hope you can take with you something for your journey by reading these reflections. And off course, I do only see in part, and I do know I may get things wrong too, but I also believe I have found some truth that I’d like to share with you, though simply so. There may be a part three of this text that will be postet later.

For now, be at peace wherever you are in this world – and do remember, “you” are part of this Vastness.

Ego and The Vastness of Self (part one)

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It is time for some longer reflections now. Some thoughts on ego and self. I have been thinking that everything we do are connected to our egos in on way or the other, either we are doing our daily work, building friendships and parttaking in family- or social life. Even our spirituality is very much a part of our ego and our ego identity.

I have also been thinking, probably inspired by Carl Jung, the famous psychoanalyst, that our ego has different parts. In my layman-way-of-thinking I would separate the ego into 3 parts: the smaller ego, the bigger ego and the hidden ego. Let’s first talk about the bigger ego.

The smaller ego (persona, Carl Jung) is the person I see myself to be in my daily life. This is the ego I try to, want to, pretend to and dare to show the world. I started out thinking this was the bigger ego. But off course it is not. You will understand when I continue.

The bigger ego is everything I know myself to be and has developed into at this moment. So in a way the bigger ego includes all knowledge of my history and past experiences too. I hide some of the things in my ego to the world, and maybe no one gets to see everything. Maybe that is not even possible, even if I wanted to be 100% transparent. The ego parts I hide from the world, are the things a believe not to be of value, not acceptable, yes even shameful or sinful. The ego I hide, which is part of my bigger ego, is not the same as the hidden ego which I will explain next.

The hidden ego is close to the understanding of shadow in the way it is explained by Carl Jung. The hidden ego is not something I consciously hide, but it is hidden even from me. This is the ego I catch glimpses of when I have I strong reactions to something or in a situation. I do catch glimpses, and sometimes even more of this ego is revealed to me. Whether I will include this revealed ego in my bigger ego depends on whether I accept this as part of my ego or not. It is also a question of maturity, fear and love. As we grow in self-love I do think more of the hidden ego in us shows itself to us, it tests us almost, and asks whether we are ready or not to include more of ourselves.

Maybe now then when I have explained these 3 ego parts in a very simplified way, we are ready to name a fourth ego? As our ego includes more and more since we grow in acceptance and tolerance, and grows in flexibility, we grow into our total ego. I don’t think you’ll find your total ego during a lifetime, but maybe you can get close. The more of ourselves that are integrated, and the more we individuate as Carl Jung would say, the more we see of our total ego.

A lot of self-help literature talks about these ego parts, sometimes not even the total ego, and tries to encourage us to believe in a part of our ego. A repeated message is “you are enough”. I do believe that as we grow in self-acceptance, our ego becomes easier to live with for ourselves and for others, so eventually a flexible ego is quite enough to handle life and live well. But there is more to it, if we seek it. Here comes some more background information, before I explain further.

This is actually the more exciting part. This is one of the main reasons I am blogging about the contemplative life. Our mature egos will get us far, but I really do believe we are more than our ego. Part from Carl Jung, another inspiration of mine is Michael A. Singer who wrote the very wise book “The Untethered Soul”. In this book he explains that we are something other than our thoughts. In one sense we are the ones that can observe our thinking mind, therefore we are not our thoughts. These truths are part of my background for saying we are more than our egos. Another source is the Bible and the words of Christ that talk a lot about how we are one with God, yes, there is an oneness that includes more than our ego. And Father Richard Rohr says something like, everywhere is the presence of God, it is only our awareness that is lacking. This is truly exciting!

There will be a day for most people, very often in midlife, when we realise that the phrase “your are enough” does not comfort us anymore, it doesn’t satisfy our heart. We need to dig deeper, in order to breathe and go on living. Please continue reading the second part of this text which is in the next blog post.

Peace!

Meir / More

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Det kan smerte når nokon seier
Ro deg ned
No blir det for mykje
Ikkje berre du som tel
Gje deg no

Ein sleppe taket
Kva gjorde eg no
Og kva gjer eg
Skal eg halde det inne
Kva meiner du

Da er tida likevel god
Det blir eit pusterom
Ikkje eit tomrom
Nei for det ein pustar i
Er fylt med noko meir

Nokon gong blir det for mykje
Hjartet kan berre opne seg so mykje
Og andre vil også ha rom
Og nett når rommet fyllest av kvarandre
Da blir det ikkje eit einerom
Ei heller eit tomrom
Det blir berre fylt
Med meir

ChatGPT translation mostly:

It hurts when someone says
Calm down
Now it’s too much
It’s not just you that matters
Give it up now

One lets go
What did I do now
And what am I doing
Should I hold it inside
What do you mean

Then time is a good thing
It becomes a breather
Not an empty space
No, for what one breathes in
Is filled with something more

Sometimes it becomes too much
The heart can only open so much
Others also want space
And just when the room is filled with each other
Then it does not become a solitary room
Nor an empty space
It just becomes filled
With more

På benken / On The Bench

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Eg sat der på benken
I det store rommet
Koret stod der framme
Tre av dei spelte på gitar

Eg berre sat på benken
Det vaks noko inni meg
Koret der framme
Blei som et stort blikk

Eg sat på benken aleine
Men no så dei det
Dei så det dei ikkje skulle sjå
Det var ei frykteleg kjensle

Eg prøvde å gjeme meg der på benken
Men dei så meg
Nå stod predikanten framme der òg
Han ropa – eg vil spy deg ut av min munn

Eg sat fast på benken no
Eg kunne ikkje røre meg
Men inni meg var det ein frykteleg kjensle
Koret, predikanten – dei visste det

Eg pintest på benken nå
Predikanten ropa – kom fram og bøy kne for Jesus
Hjartet mitt banka
Dei så det kor mykje det banka

Eg hoppa av benken
Så gjekk eg heilt fremst forna koret
Ei tung hand på hovudet mitt
Før predikanten fløy vidare

Eg stod der no aleine
Nå kunne alle i heile salen sjå
Eg snudde mot døra
No ville eg ut

Der ute fantes ingen benk
Hjartet banka fortsett hardt
Samstundes kunne eg puste friare
Med eit var eg ein av dei andre

Lydfil hvis du vil lytte til diktet:

Here is an English translation of the poem. This time translated by the help of ChatGPT:

I sat on the bench
In the big room
The choir stood there in front
Three of them played the guitar

I just sat on the bench
Something grew inside me
The choir there in front
Became like a big gaze

I sat on the bench alone
But now they saw it
They saw what they shouldn’t see
It was a terrible feeling

I tried to hide on the bench
But they saw me
Now the preacher stood there too
He shouted – I will spit you out of my mouth

I was stuck on the bench now
I couldn’t move
But inside me was a terrible feeling
The choir, the preacher – they knew it

I was tormented on the bench now
The preacher shouted – come forward and kneel before Jesus
My heart pounded
They saw how much it pounded

I jumped off the bench
Then I went all the way to the front of the choir
A heavy hand on my head
Before the preacher flew away

I stood there alone now
Now everyone in the whole room could see
I turned towards the door
I wanted out

Outside there was no bench
My heart still pounded hard
At the same time, I could breathe easier
Suddenly I felt like one of the others

Here you can listen to a reading of the poem:

Eg kviskrar / I whisper

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Høyr

Høyr venen min

Eg kviskrar noko

Til deg

Høyrer du

Eg har kviskra det sia du stod opp

Høyr på meg no

Set deg ned

Eg ber deg

Du må høyre meg

No

Må du

Berre høyr

Eg kviskrar til deg

Eg seier det no

Høyrer du

EG ELSKAR DEG

Her kan du høre diktet opplest:

An English translation, helped by chatGPT:

Listen

Listen my friend

I whisper something

To you

Do you hear

I have whispered it since you rose

Listen to me now

Sit down

I beg you

You must hear me

Now

You must

Just listen

I whisper to you

I say it now

Do you hear

I LOVE YOU

Hear you can listen to a reading of the poem: