Arrival of Beginning

I sensed a sudden shift
I felt uplifted
And I was
My eyes still shut close
I felt a warm breeze
I sensed tears filling up,
behind the eyes’ curtains

I lifted my hands,
my body still resting on knees
I heard myself saying,
no please, no please
I felt a blow to my stomach,
and breathed out one full breath

I felt strange pain
Felt lifted again, yet heavy
No please, no please,
I heard myself plead
It wasn’t me,
but something else

Eyelids now cracked open,
waves of tears flowing
Out of my control
Again I suffered another heavy blow
Yet, soon pain was lifted
Crying turned to sobbing

Steps, almost too silent to hear
A breeze again, warm
I wasn’t alone in the garden
The breeze passed me
Abruptly, I stood up
Calling the visitor back

My feet now above the ground
A presence felt all around
A warmth, comforting
Soft tears, transformed
Again, a weight pushed me to my knees

A deep knocking
My hand on my chest
A vision of veins and deep red
What had me uplifted,
now sensed within
My lips curved upwards

I whispered,
it wasn’t me,
this, wasn’t me
Yet, it, was there,
within
I lingered, silent,
there, on my knees

 

Time of Disorder

Dear friend,

It could be that you are experiencing one of the most difficult things one can experience in one’s life-journey, precisely that the entire bedrock beneath you is faltering and perhaps falling apart? Perhaps you are experiencing a weightless state without fixed points of reference? This is not an easy weightlessness, because experiencing the ground beneath you giving way can be very frightening and painful. It is comforting to know that this is not abnormal, no matter how frightening it seems. It could be that you are experiencing the dark night of the soul, where nothing seems to give meaning, nourishment or joy?

So what does this require of you? Perhaps nothing but the most difficult, namely to endure it, as long as it lasts. This has an end, it has an exit into something new. Perhaps you now learn to trust, trust in the life that has been given you? You may not be experiencing peace, but rather unrest, which is not so strange when everything is turned upside down. Yet, you are going through a change, a metamorphosis in liminal space, and you don’t know where it ends. You are on the threshold of something new.

This is a time of great disorder. It hurts, and you can experience a lot of fear. Jesus was also afraid in the Garden of Gethsemane. Yet he chose to drink the cup he had been given. This he did to fulfill the Higher will. Later he would find the light of resurrection, which he could not see at the time.

Look for someone who can support you, carry the burden with you, and be with you where you are now. Don’t just stay there alone, it can be too much to bear. There is love both around you and within you. Surrender to both, and you will find YOUR way through this time of disorder. ❤️